The 100% Official X Factor NZ Post-Mortem

Matthew McAuley

And just like that, it’s done. Jackie Thomas is the winner of the inaugural Ford Kuga McDonalds Family Meal Coke Choice Samsung New Zealand On Air X Factor, and based on the revelation that she led voting through seven of ten rounds, there’s really no surprise there. There’s already been a lot of conjecture around her victory and her subsequent prospects – and let’s not mince words, it’s been terrible, terrible conjecture – so we’ll avoid spending too much time on the same, but I’d just like to briefly say how great I think this contest’s been for local pop music. Granted, Jackie isn’t the contestant I most wanted to see on the Kuga’s fully adjustable and (probably) heated throne, but given that the contest also gave rise to Moorhouse, Gap 5, Cassie Henderson and Benny Tipene, locally produced pop music is about to hit an unprecedented boom, and anyone mad about that is absolutely not worth your time.

For this final instalment, we’re doing things a little differently. I’ve called in some ringers, and instead of arbitrarily ranking the performances of our hard-sanging contestants, we’re going to take a slightly broader look at the spectacle that was the X Factor. Duncan Greive takes on the show’s dying breaths, Guy Williams examines in loving detail the one time Dominic Bowden accessorised, and Dan Taipua looks at Brand X. Also, GIFs. Make yourself comfortable.

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Duncan Greive

The thing I found most strange about the finale was how de-fanged it felt. With Whenua’s squeaking through over Moorhouse we were all set up for epic, untamed spite from Mel Blatt toward Whenua and/or Stan (though how could you stay mad at that dude). I mean, Whenua basically gave up five weeks ago and just ghosted through, doing everything short of begging to be eliminated by a public who instead got behind the underdog. Moorhouse visibly swelled like a rogue erection in the run-up to the final, yet it was they who got dropped! That had to rankle Mel something chronic, given her love for those handsome dudes, and her undisguised loathing of Whenua and his shitty attitude toward criticism. The whole week I was anticipating an eruption of rage from the most accurate, acid-tongued and honest judge on the panel, and come the final, there was…nothing. All we got was some (admittedly pretty great) weasel words – to the effect of “congratulations on making it to the final! You’re one of the two most popular contestants!” – notably absent any comment on his actual performance. Which to me indicates that A) they hadn’t hugged it out backstage, and the enmity was real but B) some kind of contractual obligation or production decision prevented her from unleashing like she wanted to. Which is fine, I guess, but it robbed the finale of what should have been its most electrifying element, and meant the closing shows were also the weakest, and most bland of the series. That helped cement the feeling that X Factor was a show which peaked at auditions and got a little emptier and more controlled with each passing week. A shame, because for a minute there it was incredible.

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Guy Williams

As someone who has never been included in The Corner’s tweets of the week despite consistently spitting hot fire I am tempted to boycott this article entirely. However I always enjoy giving my opinion and I am very self absorbed.

My favorite moment, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is everybody’s favorite and most memorable moment from The X Factor NZ, was when Dom wore a cowboy hat.

Weeks after the event the images from what has since been infamously dubbed as “The Hat Episode” are still clear in my mind. It was round seven, USA week, the timing was perfect and there was electricity in the air, people knew something big was going to happen but just like the 2010 Shortland Street cliff hanger where they were literally hanging off a cliff, or a well planned terror attack, no one saw it coming.

M. Night Shyamalan would have been proud. The music played, the crowd roared, it was just like any other week. But but unlike any other week when the giant video screen doors opened, X Factor NZ host Dominic Bowden was wearing a brown cowboy hat. Audible gasps broke out throughout the studio. Screams from the production truck could be heard clearly on air “WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!” and “THIS WILL NEVER WORK!” But it did.

As the officially SYCO licensed X Factor NZ fluffer, and as someone who was there on that famous night, I can pull back the curtain to reveal that Dom had introduced to the audience pre-show almost entirely hatless. In retrospect this was a calculated ploy to create maximum (as it’s known in the industry) “Hat Effect”. Rumour is that Dom had the hat stored safely in an unmarked box backstage. It’s hard to believe he appeared calm and collected in front of the audience while knowing in the back of his mind what he was going unleash just minutes later.

Of course the rest is rock and roll history – hat sales across the country exploded. Mr Vintage even printed a T-shirt that said “Hats the way aha aha I like it”, and it was their most successful design ever despite it not really even making sense.

Dom hasn’t worn a hat since.

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BENNY’S TOP 5 INSTAGRAM PUNS

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Dan Taipua

X Factor represents a high point, probably the highest point, for live studio production value in NZ television history (at least since that other factor; the per tracksuit budget must surely have blownt out).

For two nights every week, the tech and staging crews transformed a shed in Henderson Valley which usually acts as either a lair for Power Rangers villains or a lair for Bollywood villains into a pretty much flawless simulation of the international X Factor studio experience (as well as the auditions, the overseas and local bootcamps, and weekly VT’s). It’s especially impressive when you consider that the resources for this kind of thing aren’t at hand and rote-practiced like they are in the states, where there’s a constant demand for Titantron gear and techs who can rig and operate it. I’m still impressed by the first week’s showing where the production team managed to turn around 13 different sets – like the Gap 5 one with an astroturf football field, full cheerleading squad and the hearty ‘go team’ motion graphics. Throughout the season, there was sometimes a little too much – or a little too little – but they always kept the money on the screen (Rule 1: keep the money on the screen, Rule 2: have a Coke and S4 with you Big Mac in your Kuga).

Some entry-level haters made a big deal about the conditions of using the X Factor brand, but if you’ve worked in design before you’ll recognise the mechanics and the value of a strong style guide. The X Factor is an international brand, and there’s production formulas within the brand that have been tested and refined into a franchise (you can’t buy into a McDonald’s franchise and decide you only want to serve spaghetti and blankets, that’s crazy, people want a dang hamburger, get outta here with that, who told you to come in here with that spaghetti talk, smdh) Similarly, the focus on singing instead of songwriting and guitar playing is part of the game – it’s pretty unreasonable to unleash some brutal as Judo kicks in the mix when you’ve signed up for an arm wrestling contest.

Some other quick knowledge drops:

• Dominic Bowden turned out to be an excellent host, despite early skepticism. He carried much more of the show than his int’l counterparts have had to and he wore a great hat that time.
• Social media integration was great across the board, the broadcaster racked the most consistent public interaction we’ve ever seen and the contestants had a really strong presence on their personal channels (you know, like how normal people have facebook, twitter and instagram? get in it imo).
• If a second season is greenlit, please paypal Matt some money for Vitamin C because he damn near died with his 25,000+ words on this contest. If you are a powerful web lord please pay him to write or we’ll have to go to NZ on Air.

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TOP 5 DEFINITIVE MOORHOUSE MEAN MUGS

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Matthew McAuley

And with that, we’re out. I was skeptical about the prospects of this show when I began this column, and to be completely honest that skepticism hasn’t been entirely exorcised. I’d be lying, though, if I said that I hadn’t enjoyed the shit out of this. We’ve seen a few months of twice-weekly showcases of beauty, pain, calamity and Taye Williams, and gained a couple bonafide good-to-great pop acts in the process. Some are already doing their best to fade away, despite constant protestations to the contrary, some will resurface in six months at a seasonal outdoor concert near you, and some will likely be straight into the charts as soon as the post-show Jackie buzz starts to subside. You can act like you didn’t watch, or act like you’re mad because money earmarked specifically for funding things like this went towards funding this thing like this, but you can’t deny the impact. The X Factor did everything it promised, and I’m glad as hell that it happened.

Thanks to everyone who read, thanks to everyone who commented, thanks to everyone who collaborated (Duncan, Leilani, Rose, Dan, Guy), thanks to my wife, thanks to my mum, thanks to Greymouth, thanks to everyone backstage and all of the fans, thanks to all the judges, thanks to black coffee and this website’s flexible deadlines, I’m out.